One day at school, my fourth grade teacher projected a red, bloody, irritated sore on the projector screen and began to lecture the class. The image immediately made me feel anxious and restless, causing me to look everywhere else besides the projector screen. I tried to fight through it and pay attention, but this only made things worse. I began to feel very hot and a little lightheaded. I even began to lightly sweat from the feeling of heat radiating off my body. I tried to control what was happening, but it was no use. I started to feel even more lightheaded and weak. I could feel the blood rushing away from my head, leaving me pale and lifeless. I looked around the room to see if anyone noticed my fidgeting or my worried expression. Thankfully, I seemed to have kept my composure. I could not understand what was happening. All that was running through my mind was how badly I wanted it to stop. All I wanted to do at that moment was lie down. I only continued to feel horribly as I began to get very dizzy. The room was spinning and slowly fading from my vision. Then, all of a sudden, my world went black. I did not know it at the time as I had already mentally left the classroom, but I had fainted. Consequently, I fell out of my desk and onto the floor.
I thought your description of the time you fainted was very good. The feeling of dread and anxiety was well conveyed, especially in lines like "I tried to control what was happening, but it was no use. I started to feel even more lightheaded and weak. I could feel the blood rushing away from my head, leaving me pale and lifeless." The way you describe the event gives it a fast pace which makes the dread really come out.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be better if you opened the paragraph with the sentence "One day at school...", as kind of a shocking image that begins the whole event. A few metaphors would also greatly enhance the overall mood of your paragraph.
This description is really clear, but perhaps too clear. I feel like you are telling me too much on the surface of what happened in the event and not enough of what you actually felt like. This can be very complicated in a traumatic experience, because trauma seems to be that which resists being translated into easily articulable messages. Instead of saying "I will never forget when I fainted in fourth grade" just jump into the experience and show me why I will never forget this story, because it should make me want to faint too.
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a good job of bringing the experience as a whole to life. The images of you going through the progression of emotions are especially vivid. Your style of listing them off in order provokes a sense of anxiety, uncertainty, and general confusion; such as "I looked around the room to see if anyone noticed my fidgeting or my worried expression." I think an expanded discussion of what the image looked like and why exactly it provoked disgust would help, did it bring back another past memory? Are you just queasy? What did you body feel like?
I liked the description about how it made you even sweat, which shows the power of the image over your entire body, I think that this could be expanded upon, was it a cold sweat, was it profuse? Could you control it at all? What was your breathing like?
Perhaps instead of just stating you fainted, maybe describe right when it was happening more indepth, did you knees buckle? Did you know you were fainting or were you unconscious of it? This point seems the especially important part.